how fragile we are.

Today I figure out about something, that really scared me. A part of me always knowed that there, somewhere is the day when someone dear of mine will die. I always know that people where never meant to live forever, (and this is kinda crap), but I still hope that we can find a way to keep the dear ones close to use, even if they're really old, and their day have came.

I hate that today my great-grandfather have died. He was a very good men, even if seemed a bad person, because of his look. He had 80 and something years, and he was very very sick. In the past, I don't know 3 months he stayed every day in the bad. I loved him, and I still do, and he was the last grandfather, that I could have.

My mother's father,  died before I was born, and I only saw him in some pictures, but somehow I still feel close to him, even if I didn't saw him in flesh and bones, and it's kind of creepy.

My dad's father, died 2 summer ago. I didn't want to see him sick, because I wanted to keep his memory beautiful, how it always was. He had problems with his hart, and this is why he died, beside the cigarettes that he smoked all his life. I miss him, and I'm ashamed that I didn't want to go at his funeral (actually I was scared), and believe me I cried all that day, and  I am really-really sorry, that I couldn't be strong enough to go at that kind of thing... I went to his tomb, and I lit candles for him, and I always had tears in my eyes, (even now I had, because I remember how skinny he was in past years). I remember his tattoos, his old-old anchor tattoo. I can't forget his deep green eyes (my father  inherited that eyes from his father.)

Rest in Peace.

When my mother received a call, I saw her face expression, and I knowed what she next will say to me. I couldn't cry, and I don't know why...

I wish that I never forget memory of my grandfather, how they looked when they were feeling good, because this is the kind of memory I want to keep.

I never want to get that old. I don't know, just the thought that I could marry to a men, that will get sick, and after a long fight with illness, he'll die, and I'm going to remain lonely, scares me. This is how my grant-grandmother, will have to live. She said that she don't want to come with us in town, because she just can't. That house were she live right now, have been the shelter for her for long long time, and she can't just leave, and let the house, and I totally understand her, but like this will be more painful for her.

Now I can see how fragile we are, and why I should live every minute, every second like will be my last one, and why I should treasure my life, because with all my pain, and difficult moments, I should love it, 'cause no one will ever give me back the years that have left.