Sunday, May 5, 2013

It's hard to say.

I don't have any acceptable apology for my really long absence. 
Well I don't know where to start. I loved this blog so much, and I still love it, but I don't know... writting just doesn't feel right. I think I just lost my ability of writting. The words used to come to me. Now I have to look deep down to find them. 
My feelings went to a whole new level. I had my moments when a cup of tea, some words, and a sad song were everything that could fill up the hole in my soul. Now I feel empty as fuck.(literally)
Words are just not enough, music is the same, and the tea, well the tea si not longer in my favorite things list
All I could think of last summer was highschool, and how awesome it would be. But honestly there is nothing special about it. It is exaclty like school, just it has older kids in it. They all like to party, get screwed over and spend mommy's and daddy's cash. :( 
I tried not to care about anything, and it wasn't good. Then I cared about everyone else other than me, and tried to be so friendly with all of those that wanted to talk with me, and share those little "secrets", and it wasn't good either cause I got told "You don't care anymore about me. You always leave me alone and that's fine because that's exactly what I am going to do from now on, and then you will feel exactly how I felt. Don't you dare to tell me after that I've changed. Let's see if you like it!" (E., my friend). I wanted to be sociable, and she got upset, cause I stopped to give her all of my attention. Was it wrong? 
I fell guilty because I am never there for L. (the other good friend of mine), and because I will deeply regret it someday. She's been put through so much things. She discovered she liked girls and boys at the same time. I've been suportive cause that was the right thing to do, but then I told her that  the girls she likes are not good at all, and double-faced, and I think that I pushed her away. Then everytime I wanted to go out with my friends, something xame up and I had to cancel. 
I feel I am losig it all.