Monday, February 10, 2014

Every night

“It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.” ― Marilyn Monroe
I don't want you, but I can't let you go either. It's selfish. I want to kill you. I want to put my fingers around your neck. Slowly squeeze. I want to see your eye balls getting bigger and bigger, and teardrops falling from your eyes, burning your cheek. I want to have control of you, and you to pray for your life. I want to have this last decision.Your last breath will be my first. But this is something I often think of, just for a second. The face changes, every time. I could never do this. I've never killed anything. Not even a fly.
 I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I am all alone in the world, and that no one will ever love me again. I can't sleep. And, how could I? I have only nightmares, not dreams. I wake up tormented by them; and almost every time after this, I can't remember the actual action, just the pain I felt. "and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever." (Lemony Snicket).
I like to be alone from time to time, but not lonely. I feel awful and I want a person that could enter that room and cure what is bothering me, but I know that is not possible.You just can't take one's pain... "In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. [...]  I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have." (Charles Bukowski)  Some say that solitude is a slow and painful death. It might be, but I've never lived different.

Photo by me.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Silver eyes.

I can't understand human mind. Well, I have one too, but mine is fine (or at least this is what I keep telling myself). I may seem like I don't care, but I do, and it hurts the way I can put so much feelings in everything I do. "Turn your feelings off". And it might seem like I managed to keep them away, but I actually just kept myself distracted, not thinking at all. Not doing anything. But, I guess this whole thing is pretty bad... because I ended up with my fingers on this keyboard, hopping I will feel better. But I don't.
I am an optimistic person, and I tend to take decisions without thinking when it comes to people I care about. I cared too much about you, I saw the best in you leaving all the rest behind. I have fallen in love with the idea of you, not with you. I knew from the start what would happen if I let myself close enough to someone, when I start to believe they loved me, I knew I was going to feel hurt. “It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.” ― Deb Caletti
I want to be strong enough to tell myself: "I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life." ― Joel Osteen

Photo by me: Opera Garnier