Wednesday, July 23, 2014

'Cause you're gonna sing the words wrong.

Some friends finished highschool. I have 2 more years. It's not such a long time, but it's going to be the hardest.They got their whole life sorted out since they were around my age. I don't know what the heck I am going to do in 10 days from now.
I want to leave this place more than ever. Netherlands sounds just perfect. This is just a dream. I think that maybe some other place is going to be better for me, maybe even close to perfection (and yeah I know that perfection is overrated, like any other thing that you can't actually touch).
"You know, I got to work with these people for less than a month, and the whole situation is just sad. They reached so far in life without actually living. They are 40-50 years olds and still live with their mothers. It just breaks my heart to think that at some point they were my age and that this scenario can happen to any of us. I guess I need to think that I am luckier." (Laura, and her internship)

Photo taken by me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

I've read the book some while ago and recently saw the movie. To be honest I procrastinated this situation as much as I was able to. The book induced a storm inside me; one that lasted more than I expeted.
The fact that we were running late for the movie changed my state of mind. We got there just in time for the start of the chaos inside me. I often found myself finishing their lines, that's how much soul I put in their story. I cried, a lot. It was hard for me to breath sometimes. I panic and forget how to do this really simple act. I imagined the whole ending scene over and over in my mind. The pain in my chest was so big that somehow I couldn't feel my hands and my ears were deaf. The only things that worked properly were my eyes. I had falls coming out from my eyes. At some point I heard Andreea. She was crying silently and sighing every 3 seconds. It was heart breaking. My eyes were looking just at her. I forgot about the movie. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that it wasn't real, but something in my conscience stoped me. I really wanted to make her feel better; but I didn't. I guess that's just how I am. I give up, too easly.
But there is one thing that still bothers me. There were two lovers few seats next to me. The woman slept half of the movie, and when the things started to get rough, the guy bursted into tears, loudly,(and is really hard not to listen to a grown up men crying like a baby) and I guess that's what woke her up. At first she was something like "Oh right now one of them is going to die", but in the end she just couldn't walk herself out of that movie theather. I don't understand this woman.

Photos by me. //12.July.2014//

/ / I've been trying to write this post for more than a week now. The words don't seem to feel right for me. / /
//Oh and if anyone wondered what movie was this about; "The Fault In Our Stars"//

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The night's almost done.

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. As I was lying there in my bed, the moon was starring at me. I tried to close my eyes, in order to block the light that bothered me. My hands seemed out of place, so I put them on the pillow. That wasn't right either. Sometimes I stop breathing, and realize what my body is doing, right after I am left without air. My hands came down to my neck. "Can you squeeze your throat so hard, in order to kill yourself?". My mind is sending dizzy signals. "Can it be possible? Can you do it?". I act on impulse. "Squeeze!", and I put strength into it. "Harder. Yeah, that is good!". My fingers can heel the blood running faster through my veins, underneath the thin skin. Nails put a little more pain in, making it impossible to breath. I inhale heavily and let my hands around my body, far away from the sensitive area. Somehow my body felt free. I can feel my heart relaxed, blood a little bit warmer, lightweight air is filling my lungs. I forgot about the moon and it's irritating appearance. My eyes close, and I fade into infinite slumber.
 Photo by mirjan.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Because it's easier to run.

"Because it's easier to run, easier than staying and finding out you're the only one...who didn't run
because running will be the way your life and mine will be described"

I can’t surround myself with people full of hatred, evil souls and polite smiles. These are the most painful things I could experience. I don’t want to ever be like this, but I am afraid that the rough society we live in will turn even the purest soul into a demon. 
Some piece of me still thinks of you every moment. I just keep playing you in my mind, like a really stupid and odd song. You don’t even notice me and it hurts to know that I am the only one that causes the pain I can feel in my chest sometimes. I feed myself with it, and I just can’t get enogh.
I tasted the stars. I’ve never felt complete before this. The peace I had in me made my whole world seem amazing. I forgot everything, and only the moment mattered. Now I am biting the cold hard ground, and the rain is falling off the skies. Even they cry. 
I would feel much better right now if only few tears will just fall down to the ground.
Do you really like all the attention she gives you? I think you do like it a lot. You feed with it. It’s in your eyes. You like her, and it bothers me… because I could never be her.
I am not sure, but I think I got bored of this situation. I love the idea of you. Your eyes, your hand, your smile, but there is something about you that makes me feel hate towards this flawless person I created in my head. I don’t know what it is yet, and I hope I will never get to figure that out.
I keep wondering what will happen when I won’t be able to see you almost everyday. I somehow hope my feelings towards you will just simply fade away, without any harm to my soul. But then I want to keep you alive in my mind, and maybe someday you won’t be just a memory.

Some fragments of my soul, I wrote over the past few months. 

Photo taken by me. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Every night

“It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.” ― Marilyn Monroe
I don't want you, but I can't let you go either. It's selfish. I want to kill you. I want to put my fingers around your neck. Slowly squeeze. I want to see your eye balls getting bigger and bigger, and teardrops falling from your eyes, burning your cheek. I want to have control of you, and you to pray for your life. I want to have this last decision.Your last breath will be my first. But this is something I often think of, just for a second. The face changes, every time. I could never do this. I've never killed anything. Not even a fly.
 I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I am all alone in the world, and that no one will ever love me again. I can't sleep. And, how could I? I have only nightmares, not dreams. I wake up tormented by them; and almost every time after this, I can't remember the actual action, just the pain I felt. "and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever." (Lemony Snicket).
I like to be alone from time to time, but not lonely. I feel awful and I want a person that could enter that room and cure what is bothering me, but I know that is not possible.You just can't take one's pain... "In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. [...]  I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have." (Charles Bukowski)  Some say that solitude is a slow and painful death. It might be, but I've never lived different.

Photo by me.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Silver eyes.

I can't understand human mind. Well, I have one too, but mine is fine (or at least this is what I keep telling myself). I may seem like I don't care, but I do, and it hurts the way I can put so much feelings in everything I do. "Turn your feelings off". And it might seem like I managed to keep them away, but I actually just kept myself distracted, not thinking at all. Not doing anything. But, I guess this whole thing is pretty bad... because I ended up with my fingers on this keyboard, hopping I will feel better. But I don't.
I am an optimistic person, and I tend to take decisions without thinking when it comes to people I care about. I cared too much about you, I saw the best in you leaving all the rest behind. I have fallen in love with the idea of you, not with you. I knew from the start what would happen if I let myself close enough to someone, when I start to believe they loved me, I knew I was going to feel hurt. “It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.” ― Deb Caletti
I want to be strong enough to tell myself: "I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life." ― Joel Osteen

Photo by me: Opera Garnier

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I know they say that some things are better left unsaid.

Money money money, "it's just papaer, but it affects people like poetry".
Outside is cold and I love it. It makes me feel something. Walking around this big city is wonderful. the lights, the people that run on you everyday... everything is beautiful. They all got their minds full of shit,  and when you walk by they don't even see you,like you are invisible, and that is a good damn feeling. Listening to music and driving around really makes me feel better. It makes my head go all dark. No thoughts. No nothing.
Oh, and then you show up with those really good jokes and great personality. I don't even know why I like you so much and why I can't get you out of my mind. You just make me wonder about a lot of things. I never see you in my dreams, and it hurts a lot. I have only nightmares, and I hate that. I want to get to know you. I want you. I really do. I don't think I've ever felt something like this.
I like you for what you are. All your flaws make you seem flawless, for me.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

I watched it all in my head, perfect sense.

Outside was freaking cold and my knees were shaking so hard that I thought I would fall to the ground. We were just sitting there smoking some cigarettes, as usual. But this time something was different. He was different. There were a lot of people around us but when he put himself in front of me, his blue eyes were bruttaly staring into mine, my heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt the blood getting warmer in my veins. I put the cigarette back in my mouth trying to keep calm and not showing out the excitement I felt. But he continued starring into my eyes. His eyes were different. He was already high. So I starred into his eyes, and told him to stop, hoping he would say something nice, but instead he just beautifully smiled at me and let his eyes hit the cold dark ground. I felt really bad about it so I left.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dear A,

I haven’t wrote to you in a really long time.

Last week I was on your blog. I got bored, and scrolled down. 

I wasn’t expecting you to write about me. It was nice of you, to talk about me. To be honest I never expected you to even remember my name; I thought I was dead for you, burried in a box of memories. 

It’s funny and sad at the same time, how we got in the same highschool, see around school, and never talk one to each other. So many memories cross my mind when I see you. So many things happend to both of us. Sometimes I lay in my bed and think of you. I have sleeping and concentration issues, for some time. I remember you and I wonder what happend in your life. I can see that it had it ups and down, and I don’t know if right now it is an up or a down, but I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t have enough courage to come and talk with you. I just don’t. Sorry…

And yeah it is true. For your birthday I wrote a really nice thing that I planned to send to you, but I gave up. I just didn’t knew how you would react to it. I was scared. Such a coward. I am such a big coward and I know that. I got used to it. 

I know you changed a lot, like most of us, but I hope that in essence you are still the same person I considered my best friend, almost 3 years ago.

Good night, 

your friend A.

PS: I hope you got to read the thing I wrote about you. It’s tagged with “mine”, and it’s a photo.