Monday, February 10, 2014

Every night

“It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.” ― Marilyn Monroe
I don't want you, but I can't let you go either. It's selfish. I want to kill you. I want to put my fingers around your neck. Slowly squeeze. I want to see your eye balls getting bigger and bigger, and teardrops falling from your eyes, burning your cheek. I want to have control of you, and you to pray for your life. I want to have this last decision.Your last breath will be my first. But this is something I often think of, just for a second. The face changes, every time. I could never do this. I've never killed anything. Not even a fly.
 I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I am all alone in the world, and that no one will ever love me again. I can't sleep. And, how could I? I have only nightmares, not dreams. I wake up tormented by them; and almost every time after this, I can't remember the actual action, just the pain I felt. "and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever." (Lemony Snicket).
I like to be alone from time to time, but not lonely. I feel awful and I want a person that could enter that room and cure what is bothering me, but I know that is not possible.You just can't take one's pain... "In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. [...]  I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have." (Charles Bukowski)  Some say that solitude is a slow and painful death. It might be, but I've never lived different.

Photo by me.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Silver eyes.

I can't understand human mind. Well, I have one too, but mine is fine (or at least this is what I keep telling myself). I may seem like I don't care, but I do, and it hurts the way I can put so much feelings in everything I do. "Turn your feelings off". And it might seem like I managed to keep them away, but I actually just kept myself distracted, not thinking at all. Not doing anything. But, I guess this whole thing is pretty bad... because I ended up with my fingers on this keyboard, hopping I will feel better. But I don't.
I am an optimistic person, and I tend to take decisions without thinking when it comes to people I care about. I cared too much about you, I saw the best in you leaving all the rest behind. I have fallen in love with the idea of you, not with you. I knew from the start what would happen if I let myself close enough to someone, when I start to believe they loved me, I knew I was going to feel hurt. “It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.” ― Deb Caletti
I want to be strong enough to tell myself: "I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life." ― Joel Osteen

Photo by me: Opera Garnier

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I know they say that some things are better left unsaid.

Money money money, "it's just papaer, but it affects people like poetry".
Outside is cold and I love it. It makes me feel something. Walking around this big city is wonderful. the lights, the people that run on you everyday... everything is beautiful. They all got their minds full of shit,  and when you walk by they don't even see you,like you are invisible, and that is a good damn feeling. Listening to music and driving around really makes me feel better. It makes my head go all dark. No thoughts. No nothing.
Oh, and then you show up with those really good jokes and great personality. I don't even know why I like you so much and why I can't get you out of my mind. You just make me wonder about a lot of things. I never see you in my dreams, and it hurts a lot. I have only nightmares, and I hate that. I want to get to know you. I want you. I really do. I don't think I've ever felt something like this.
I like you for what you are. All your flaws make you seem flawless, for me.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

I watched it all in my head, perfect sense.

Outside was freaking cold and my knees were shaking so hard that I thought I would fall to the ground. We were just sitting there smoking some cigarettes, as usual. But this time something was different. He was different. There were a lot of people around us but when he put himself in front of me, his blue eyes were bruttaly staring into mine, my heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt the blood getting warmer in my veins. I put the cigarette back in my mouth trying to keep calm and not showing out the excitement I felt. But he continued starring into my eyes. His eyes were different. He was already high. So I starred into his eyes, and told him to stop, hoping he would say something nice, but instead he just beautifully smiled at me and let his eyes hit the cold dark ground. I felt really bad about it so I left.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dear A,

I haven’t wrote to you in a really long time.

Last week I was on your blog. I got bored, and scrolled down. 

I wasn’t expecting you to write about me. It was nice of you, to talk about me. To be honest I never expected you to even remember my name; I thought I was dead for you, burried in a box of memories. 

It’s funny and sad at the same time, how we got in the same highschool, see around school, and never talk one to each other. So many memories cross my mind when I see you. So many things happend to both of us. Sometimes I lay in my bed and think of you. I have sleeping and concentration issues, for some time. I remember you and I wonder what happend in your life. I can see that it had it ups and down, and I don’t know if right now it is an up or a down, but I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t have enough courage to come and talk with you. I just don’t. Sorry…

And yeah it is true. For your birthday I wrote a really nice thing that I planned to send to you, but I gave up. I just didn’t knew how you would react to it. I was scared. Such a coward. I am such a big coward and I know that. I got used to it. 

I know you changed a lot, like most of us, but I hope that in essence you are still the same person I considered my best friend, almost 3 years ago.

Good night, 

your friend A.

PS: I hope you got to read the thing I wrote about you. It’s tagged with “mine”, and it’s a photo. 

Monday, July 29, 2013

Making everything into a story

I don't want to come back to my life. It was nice to be away from my home town for a little while. Being there and doing sruff that I usually don't, felt just right, like I belong there. Greece was great. Greece was funny. Greece was new. Seaside was amazing and the places we saw were memorable. And as a new place for me I enjoyed it at it's fullest.
As usual, I fell for an amazing guy who is hundreds and hundres miles away from me. It ruins all. 
It was nice to pretend that I was someone else for a little while. Comming back home was just a big disappointment.
 Being me feels odd.
 And the worst part of this is that I am sad again and I feel I could cry in any moment without any significant reason. Movies are my best friend. 
I still think that my writting skils are long gone from now and I can't seem to reach them anymore. They are dead. And this is one of the resons why I stopped writting. I guess I just have to try hard enough until I get something good out of it. 
 Love is all I need these days. And alcohoool.

If you have a tumblr account you can reblog these photos here.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

It's hard to say.

I don't have any acceptable apology for my really long absence. 
Well I don't know where to start. I loved this blog so much, and I still love it, but I don't know... writting just doesn't feel right. I think I just lost my ability of writting. The words used to come to me. Now I have to look deep down to find them. 
My feelings went to a whole new level. I had my moments when a cup of tea, some words, and a sad song were everything that could fill up the hole in my soul. Now I feel empty as fuck.(literally)
Words are just not enough, music is the same, and the tea, well the tea si not longer in my favorite things list
All I could think of last summer was highschool, and how awesome it would be. But honestly there is nothing special about it. It is exaclty like school, just it has older kids in it. They all like to party, get screwed over and spend mommy's and daddy's cash. :( 
I tried not to care about anything, and it wasn't good. Then I cared about everyone else other than me, and tried to be so friendly with all of those that wanted to talk with me, and share those little "secrets", and it wasn't good either cause I got told "You don't care anymore about me. You always leave me alone and that's fine because that's exactly what I am going to do from now on, and then you will feel exactly how I felt. Don't you dare to tell me after that I've changed. Let's see if you like it!" (E., my friend). I wanted to be sociable, and she got upset, cause I stopped to give her all of my attention. Was it wrong? 
I fell guilty because I am never there for L. (the other good friend of mine), and because I will deeply regret it someday. She's been put through so much things. She discovered she liked girls and boys at the same time. I've been suportive cause that was the right thing to do, but then I told her that  the girls she likes are not good at all, and double-faced, and I think that I pushed her away. Then everytime I wanted to go out with my friends, something xame up and I had to cancel. 
I feel I am losig it all. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Lost in the pages of self made cages.

"Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing." - Osacr Wilde
It will sound like a really big cliche, but I am really sorry for my big absence. I just quess I am really happy at the moment -and I don't fell the need of writing-. Everything happens something... it may look  unimportant at the moment, but I know one day I will miss all those hilarious days. 
Evey second on this planet shows me how different I am. All teenagers at my age are the same fucking big cliché and they don't even realize it. Such a shame. Don't get my wrong on this. You may say "Oh No, what the fuck?", but I don't like Facebook. It's such a waist of time. I prefer Tumblr!!!! (best site ever!) Also, there's this bar every single kid on my school went at least once and got waisted. I don't really see what they like so much about it. Maybe it's the fact that they give alchool to everyone or the cheap beer (which btw it's combined with water and doesn't even tastes properly). I've tried to be like them. I tried smoking, which I said I hated, but I just did. I had my rebellion times. I didn't enjoyed it, although I thought I would, but it was a really big shit!!!!
I personally like to be thought as a weirdo.

Monday, February 18, 2013

We'll run to the future, shining like diamonds.

His question came to my like a tornado, "Have you ever been in love?". At first i didn't knew what to tell him, but the answer came as quick as I pronounced it, "No." His facial mimicry turned into a forced smile. I knew he wouldn't believed me, "That's impossible!" he said. Yeah. maybe it was impossible. I let him watch me for at least a minute, and afte he said "Come on, at least you had a crush on someone.". "Yeah a lot of crushes, but that's totally different from Love", I said with a deeply sad voice. He agreed, and I was happy. I would have enjoyed a long walk into the cold weather with snowflakes around me.

Intrebarea lui m-a lovit ca o tornada, in plina actiune, "Ai iubit vreodata pe cineva?". La inceput nu am stiut ce sa ii spun, dar  raspunsul a venit la fel de repede ca si pronuntarea lui "Nu.". Mimica fetei i s-a schimbat intr-un zambet fortat. Stiam ca nu ma va crede, "Asta este imposibil!", el a spus. Da, poate ca era imposibil. L-am lasat sa ma priveasca pentru cel putin un minut, cercetandu-mi cele mai mici detalii ale fetei, iar dupa aceea a spus "Haide, cel putin ai avut o simpatie pentru cineva". "Da am avut o multime de simpatii, dar astea sunt un lucru cu totul diferit fata de Iubire", am spus eu cu o tristete imensa in voce. A fost de acord, iar eu m-am bucurat.Mi-ar fi placut o plimbare lunga pentru vremea rece de afara cu fulgi de zapada peste tot in jurul meu.