Wednesday, July 23, 2014

'Cause you're gonna sing the words wrong.

Some friends finished highschool. I have 2 more years. It's not such a long time, but it's going to be the hardest.They got their whole life sorted out since they were around my age. I don't know what the heck I am going to do in 10 days from now.
I want to leave this place more than ever. Netherlands sounds just perfect. This is just a dream. I think that maybe some other place is going to be better for me, maybe even close to perfection (and yeah I know that perfection is overrated, like any other thing that you can't actually touch).
"You know, I got to work with these people for less than a month, and the whole situation is just sad. They reached so far in life without actually living. They are 40-50 years olds and still live with their mothers. It just breaks my heart to think that at some point they were my age and that this scenario can happen to any of us. I guess I need to think that I am luckier." (Laura, and her internship)

Photo taken by me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

I've read the book some while ago and recently saw the movie. To be honest I procrastinated this situation as much as I was able to. The book induced a storm inside me; one that lasted more than I expeted.
The fact that we were running late for the movie changed my state of mind. We got there just in time for the start of the chaos inside me. I often found myself finishing their lines, that's how much soul I put in their story. I cried, a lot. It was hard for me to breath sometimes. I panic and forget how to do this really simple act. I imagined the whole ending scene over and over in my mind. The pain in my chest was so big that somehow I couldn't feel my hands and my ears were deaf. The only things that worked properly were my eyes. I had falls coming out from my eyes. At some point I heard Andreea. She was crying silently and sighing every 3 seconds. It was heart breaking. My eyes were looking just at her. I forgot about the movie. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that it wasn't real, but something in my conscience stoped me. I really wanted to make her feel better; but I didn't. I guess that's just how I am. I give up, too easly.
But there is one thing that still bothers me. There were two lovers few seats next to me. The woman slept half of the movie, and when the things started to get rough, the guy bursted into tears, loudly,(and is really hard not to listen to a grown up men crying like a baby) and I guess that's what woke her up. At first she was something like "Oh right now one of them is going to die", but in the end she just couldn't walk herself out of that movie theather. I don't understand this woman.

Photos by me. //12.July.2014//

/ / I've been trying to write this post for more than a week now. The words don't seem to feel right for me. / /
//Oh and if anyone wondered what movie was this about; "The Fault In Our Stars"//

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The night's almost done.

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. As I was lying there in my bed, the moon was starring at me. I tried to close my eyes, in order to block the light that bothered me. My hands seemed out of place, so I put them on the pillow. That wasn't right either. Sometimes I stop breathing, and realize what my body is doing, right after I am left without air. My hands came down to my neck. "Can you squeeze your throat so hard, in order to kill yourself?". My mind is sending dizzy signals. "Can it be possible? Can you do it?". I act on impulse. "Squeeze!", and I put strength into it. "Harder. Yeah, that is good!". My fingers can heel the blood running faster through my veins, underneath the thin skin. Nails put a little more pain in, making it impossible to breath. I inhale heavily and let my hands around my body, far away from the sensitive area. Somehow my body felt free. I can feel my heart relaxed, blood a little bit warmer, lightweight air is filling my lungs. I forgot about the moon and it's irritating appearance. My eyes close, and I fade into infinite slumber.
 Photo by mirjan.