Every night

The Neighbourhood - Staying Up

Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?

Phantogram - Black Out Days

Lorde - Swimming Party

“It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I don't want you, but I can't let you go either. It's selfish. I want to kill you. I want to put my fingers around your neck. Slowly squeeze. I want to see your eye balls getting bigger and bigger, and teardrops falling from your eyes, burning your cheek. I want to have control of you, and you to pray for your life. I want to have this last decision.Your last breath will be my first. But this is something I often think of, just for a second. The face changes, every time. I could never do this. I've never killed anything. Not even a fly.

 I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I am all alone in the world, and that no one will ever love me again. I can't sleep. And, how could I? I have only nightmares, not dreams. I wake up tormented by them; and almost every time after this, I can't remember the actual action, just the pain I felt. "and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever." (Lemony Snicket).

I like to be alone from time to time, but not lonely. I feel awful and I want a person that could enter that room and cure what is bothering me, but I know that is not possible.You just can't take one's pain... "In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. [...]  I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have." (Charles Bukowski)  Some say that solitude is a slow and painful death. It might be, but I've never lived different.

Photo by me.