Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. As I was lying there in my bed, the moon was starring at me. I tried to close my eyes, in order to block the light that bothered me. My hands seemed out of place, so I put them on the pillow. That wasn't right either. Sometimes I stop breathing, and realize what my body is doing, right after I am left without air. My hands came down to my neck. "Can you squeeze your throat so hard, in order to kill yourself?". My mind is sending dizzy signals. "Can it be possible? Can you do it?". I act on impulse. "Squeeze!", and I put strength into it. "Harder. Yeah, that is good!". My fingers can heel the blood running faster through my veins, underneath the thin skin. Nails put a little more pain in, making it impossible to breath. I inhale heavily and let my hands around my body, far away from the sensitive area. Somehow my body felt free. I can feel my heart relaxed, blood a little bit warmer, lightweight air is filling my lungs. I forgot about the moon and it's irritating appearance. My eyes close, and I fade into infinite slumber.
Photo by mirjan.
I remember the first time I discovered how pain made me feel alive more than anything else. Still scares me to death.
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